Thankful Thursday

I've been so crabby and depressed lately, and I know I haven't been as thankful like I should be.  So, this morning when my eyes opened, I declared it "thankful Thursday."  I decided I would make a conscious effort to be thankful.  So, here's my list:

* I am thankful that my daughters' favorite show is Good Eats on the food network.  Educational, clean, and with the hope that someday I will never have to cook again!

* Spring is coming soon.  Really, it is. 

* I showed up at the salon, without an appointment.  My stylist took me right away, and we had an awesome conversation about our faith all while listening to my favorite Christian radio station.   I am thankful for a new look, and no more gray.                              

Wordless Wednesday: Dog Days

Missing the dog days of summer.

What Really Matters

I may regret this, but I am drinking coffee in the middle of the day.  I haven't done that in a long time, but today I feel the need to pump myself full of caffeine to face the rest of my day.  This weekend Marissa is going to a youth event in Grand Rapids.   I wish I had the opportunity to do that kind of stuff when I was her age.  I promised her I would take her to Plato's Closet  today (a resale shop for the young and skinny), to get some new clothes for this weekend.  I want to do this for her, but I really can't stand this store!  Their music is deafeningly loud, and the lyrics...oh my, cover your ears!   I put up with it because she can get stuff from the brands she likes, and we don't have to take out a second mortgage on the house.  I did buy one thing for my not-so-skinny-self there once.  Ok, it was a scarf. 

For those of you who are my loyal readers, you know this week I have been brutally honest with you.  I am battling depression (there I said it), and really struggling emotionally and spiritually.  Today is a little better.  Despite the bone chilling winds and blowing snow, the sun is trying to come out.  I need some sun!! 

Today I'm learning (again) that I am not in control, and that's really how it's supposed to be.   I don't feel like a rebel, or someone who always bucks the system, but this week inside I was screaming about the ridiculousness of it all.   Work has changed...again.  All the doors are now alarmed, and you have to be buzzed into the building, and then into the hallway.  What's next, ocular scans?  Where do I work, you ask?  A top-secret lab, the CIA?  No, a school.  A small private school.  I know this is for the safety of the students, and our safety as well, but it just rubbed me the wrong way.  I guess I am feeling a little bit the rebel, and I'm sick of always being so safe.  The road God has for us to walk may not be "safe" by the world's standards, but if you have a real relationship with Him, you know that your soul is safe and that's all that really matters.   I want to let Him be in control of my life, no matter where that takes me, or what happens. 

Today...

Today I need someone to tell me it's ok that all I could manage to do was go to work and do my job, grocery shop, and hopefully make dinner.  I really had good intentions of getting on that stupid treadmill, but after doing the shopping, loading the groceries into the car in freezing rain, and then dragging them (and myself) up the stairs, I'm done.  And apparently I'm prone to weeping today.  For no reason.  Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself.  But, if you're feeling sorry for yourself you have no desire to change, and I do.  I just can't do it today. 

Weary

In Galatians 6:9 it says, "Let's not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good.  At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don't give up, or quit."  This week I've been thinking a lot about this verse.  I have allowed myself to get tired of doing the right thing.  It's so much harder to go out of your way to be nice to someone at the grocery store, or smile at the clerk who is being a jerk about something.  It's easier to yell at your kids and make them do what's convenient for you at the moment than it is to think about the eternal lesson you could teach them.  I've given up, and wanted to quit. 

The ultimate in quitting is suicide.  Now, don't go tripping out thinking that things are so bad for me I'm thinking about checking out.  Not at all.  We have all done this in a sense though.  Saying the one thing that you know will get you fired, that will destroy a friendship, or sadly, a marriage.  After thinking about this verse a lot, I've come to realize that when we quit on doing the little things, like smiling at strangers, doing nice things for our families, and just getting sick and tired of doing good, we start down the path that leads to quitting in greater things.  Our jobs, our kids, and other relationships. 

I don't have all the answers, but God does.  A previous verse in Galatians says, "Don't compare yourself with others."  This is a big one for me.  Comparing makes me  want to quit, because in my own eyes, I will never be good enough.   With God's strength I will get through this rough patch in my life, because He is all I need.  In Jeremiah 31:25 it says that God will "refresh tired bodies, and restore tired souls."  Sounds good to me.  I wish my refreshing could take place in a tropical location, and not here in my kitchen,  but I'll take what He has for me! 

Honesty

One thing that I so wanted to accomplish with this blog was to have an outlet to be transparent, let who I really am show.  Well, maybe you've picked up on this, and maybe not, but lately I've been skimming the surface of what's been going on with me.  You know, all the 'stuff' of life.  Stuff can be good, but I've been dealing with so much more, way down deep.  A few of my close friends know this, and they have tried to help.  People at work and church who I know, but really don't talk to much, are starting to notice that something is up.  You can always tell when what's been eating away inside comes to the surface and can no longer be shoved into the background, when people look at you with worry, and say, "I'm praying for you."  It's nice of them, really, and I guess I need it.

It's no secret that I have a very hard time working and worshipping in the same place.  Maybe this is something that I am just not able to handle.  Other people manage this without having breakdowns, so what is wrong with me?  I do like my job (teaching), and I love my students.  I am just in a funk.  It's been months.  I realize what the bottom line problem is.  I have let things and people and life in general creep in and become first in my life.  When my relationship with God is not my first priority, everything else falls apart.  The other thing I realized is that I have been projecting onto God, all the failings of people around me.  The fact is that people, all people (myself included), are going to mess up and hurt each other.  Even the 'good guys', the Christians, the ones who follow Christ.  The thing is, they may be Christ-followers, but they are not God.    He is good and loving always.  He always has what's best for me in mind.  So, why have I been avoiding Him?  Fear, pride, anger.  I'm not sure how long it's going to take to get out of this pit I have thrown myself into, but when I do get out, it will be all God's doing.  I am done.  I have nothing left. 

To see the changes I want, I need to put Him first before all else.  It sounds so cliche, but it is what it is, the truth.  And it is not easy to do.  A good friend and mentor recently wrote about forgiveness, and called me on it in a phone conversation.  I need to give it, and receive it.  This is a starting point, and I thought you all should know.  I do not have it together, and I feel like I am falling apart.  

Wordless Wednesday: Friends

The Hardest Part of Blogging: Thinking of a Title (Seriously!)

The other day when grocery shopping I realized that if this family could drink only tap water (not possible for me), we'd probably save thousands of dollars a year!  So much of our grocery money goes toward beverages (or the supplies to make them.)  Water (only distilled for me, thank you), tea bags, and lemon juice.  The girls and my husband are on a peach tea kick, and I always have a whole gallon of lemonade tea on hand (basically a gallon of Arnold Palmer's.)  I make them myself, so I can use less sugar than the stuff you buy.  

For Christmas we got the girls one of these.  It's obviously for chocolate milk, but oh, it does so much more!  Like make your coffee (or Chai tea) nice and frothy.  Who needs and expensive coffee pot with a milk steamer?  Not I.  One thing I have decided in this rush-out-the-door lifestyle we have, is that we need to eat better breakfasts.  I have an acquaintance who has a blueberry smoothie every morning.  Man, blueberries are expensive though!  I'm thinking I like the smoothie idea.  I think the kids would go for it too.  So, tonight I'll be looking online for some smoothie recipes (one's that don't have all those 'only found at health food stores' ingredients.)  I want them to have good stuff, like fruits, yogurt, and milk, but no weird ingredients.  If you have a great smoothie recipe your family enjoys, I would love to try it. 

Forget Toys R Us; Go to Staples

So, what's all the excitement at the Mongold house today?  The new paper shredder.  You'd think it was a new toy instead of office equipment.  The girls have been shredding paper since it came out of the box.  This from Alisha, "Wow!  This is so cool! Mom, it looks cooler when you shred colored paper!"  I think we need to get out more.  The best thing about our latest purchase is that they wanted to clean out their backpacks today.  Bekah and Alisha are pack rats and have saved every picture they've drawn since they could hold a crayon.  I will take advantage of this while I can, because I know the magic will fade.

As for me: it's a "stay away from the mom" kind of day.  I had a spurt of energy and got the kitchen, dining room, and living room cleaned before everyone else came home.  When they descended upon my clean rooms dropping back packs, lunch boxes, and homework, I lost it.  They've been cut off from tv and computer (except for homework purposes) until they have cleaned up all their messes in the house.   OCD and irritability are a mean combo! 

Happy Birthday, Rebekah!

Yesterday was Bekah's birthday.  She is now 12 years old.  For her day she wanted to go roller skating (roller blading in her case) at the local rink (not in our house, thankfully!)  It started out as a small gathering with 4 of her closets friends, and turned into 12 kids plus my husband and myself.  How does that happen??  Phil was quite upset, because by the time we got the kids situated and their skates rented and laced up, they were out of rental skates for him.  He didn't get to skate at all!  He was very put-out to say the least.  Me, I was constantly scanning the million kids going around and around the rink for the nine I was responsible for.  It's one thing if you misplace your own kids, another entirely when you lose sight of someone else's.  Four of the girls skated for less than an hour, and then they were done.  But, Bekah had a good time, and that is what the day was about anyway.  We ended our outing by going to Oberweiss Dairy for some icecream.  Later on in the day I realized we never even sang "Happy Birthday" to her.  When I asked her if she was sad because of that she said, "No, because that would have just reminded Dad to give me my  pinches."  (12 for her age, and 1 to grow on)  She managed to get out of it this year.  Happy Birthday, Bekah!